When Attachment Repair Does Not Happen the Way We Hoped

Couple engaging in a vulnerable conversation attempting to repair after conflict.

From birth, we are wired for connection and long for peace and understanding in our relationships. However, when attachment injuries occur, it is a natural part of the human condition that we seek repair. For repair to happen, the injured party needs to be able to safely express the pain that they have experienced, and the injurer needs to be able to attune to and respond empathetically to the one they harmed.

The challenge is that oftentimes our loved ones may get defensive or go on the attack. This causes even greater division and exacerbates our pain. Just when we took a risk to try and repair the relationship, the rupture has widened.

In these cases, it is important to recognize that it is not safe to be vulnerable with this person until they can take accountability and soften themselves. But how do we cope with the initial injury and subsequent pain of a failed attachment repair? We suggest the following:

1. Recognize the courage it took for you to risk expressing your pain to a loved one. You were brave.

2. Honor your pain. It is valid. Many clients we see tend to second guess their experience. Should I have felt hurt by this? Maybe it wasn't as bad as I originally thought. Your experience is valid as are your feelings. Do not let someone's response to your expression of pain cause you to doubt your experience.

3. Establish and maintain boundaries with the injurer. "I am open to having a relationship with you as long as you speak to me with kindness and respect. If you do not honor this boundary, then I will end our conversation." Or maybe you need to limit your interactions by saying, "I am not comfortable visiting with you until we are able to resolve this issue."

4. Recognize that not everything is your fault. Just as you are responsible for your behavior so is the other person. Remind yourself to check the facts of what has happened historically with this person.

5. You may decide to accept that this loved one is not capable of meeting your needs for emotional attunement due to their own history and personality. If this is the case, you have the decision of allowing them in your life or distancing yourself from them. However, if you continue in relationship with them, you can limit their access to you. This may mean you do not share personal information with them but discuss less meaningful topics.

If this has been your experience, you may consider discussing this with a counselor to tease out your feelings and determine the actions you want to take that are congruent with your values. We at RDU Counseling for Change are here to help. Schedule an appointment today with one of our counselors.